He will never abandon you

I spoke recently with a friend of mine whose church has rejected him. I don’t know him that well, we went to college together and had mutual friends so became friends. I’ve been talking to him more recently since he came out a couple years ago and I have yet to come out. I asked him about his experience with his church when he told them.

They were saddened, but they did not reject him. They offered to get him help to change. They stood by him while he tried to change. But when he accepted who he is, when he accepted that he is a gay man and that he cannot/ is not willing to change they threw him under the bus. Not only did they turn their backs on him, they told him he could not be a Christian if he was gay. That’s incredibly harsh, and incredibly heartbreaking.

And discouraging. I don’t know what your experience has been with the church or with Christians in general, but if you have had a bad experience, if you have been shunned and rejected and judged, I am sorry. I am as guilty as anyone of this. Perhaps not when it comes to homosexuals, but when it comes to people who are different and who scare me it is easier to judge than to love. It is easier to reject than learn to love. But we cannot take the easy way. I am learning that more and more on my journey. Homosexuals are just one group that is often rejected by the church. I need to work on my own life and influencing the people I am around to be more accepting of everyone, of not demanding people change to be included. I need to learn to love instead of judge and reject.

If you have been rejected by a church, by Christians, by anyone claiming to follow Jesus Christ I am sorry. Because the truth is that despite what we show you as the church, Jesus will never abandon or reject you. Jesus loves you just the way you are. We’re just really far behind in following Jesus as we should.

Christmas Thoughts

I’m finding myself thinking a lot about Mary this Christmas season. I am certain it’s because of the place I am in right now, spiritually and emotionally. But as I think about Mary God is showing me so many things I never have considered before.

I have often seen Mary as almost a side player in the whole story- she was the one who gave birth, but she had the easy part. Joseph had the hard part trusting and believing that what the angel and what Mary told him were true. But Mary knew the truth- she knew that God had impregnated her, so she had that to make things easier for her. But first she had to be willing to trust and believe God and say yes to him using her.

Now I have no idea what went through her mind when the angel came to her with the message from God. Perhaps she was ready for a change and excited about the opportunity to do something so great. Perhaps she was merely a willing vessel. But perhaps, and this is the one I lean toward because this is the way I am, perhaps she was absolutely terrified to do what God was asking of her. Mary seems to have had a pretty good life before God called her to this new purpose: she had a loving family, she was betrothed to a good, God-fearing man, she would have had friends and neighbors whom she loved. I think that when Mary said yes to God she was also saying no to all these things. When Mary chose to say yes to God she made the decision to let go of all the other things in her life.

The part I have been thinking the most about though is what came after she said yes to God. Because things certainly don’t seem to have gotten much better for her. She was near her due date when she and Joseph had to travel to Bethlehem for a census- which would most certainly mean Caesar demanding more money from them. Then they couldn’t find any place to sleep except and old cave with no bed to lay on. And that is where she gave birth- alone, her family except Joseph far away. No way to communicate with them. And she gave birth to the son of God and had only rags and an old animal trough to place him in. That must have been heartbreaking for her. But it only gets worse. Herod demands all babies be killed and so here is Mary with her husband and baby forced to flee to Egypt instead of returning home. Jump ahead about 30 years and Mary watches as her son becomes an outcast because of the work he is doing, Mary tries to help Jesus and he scolds her for it. And then a couple years later she watches as her son is nailed to a cross and dies.

If I had been Mary and had known what was going to happen after saying yes, I’m not sure I would have done it. I mean, it’s like the easy part was letting go, the hard part came after. We have fooled ourselves into believing that when we say “yes” to God things will go well. We have embraced this idea that when we are following God and doing what he asks of us things will be mostly easy. In fact, not only Mary but the majority of people we read about who say “yes” to God have a harder more difficult life after that than they had before.

But the thing that I am reminded of as well is the message that God gives over and over and over again: “do not be afraid”. It almost seems unfair that God says to these people, and to me, “do not be afraid” when so much suffering and hardship is to follow. But I think the reason we are told not to be afraid is that through all the hard times, through all the difficulty that may come from our saying “yes” to God we can trust that he is with us, that when we say yes he aligns himself so close to us we never have a second alone. I believe that when I finally stop fighting God and say “yes” he is going to envelope me in a huge bear hug and never let me go. But as long as we resist, as long as I say no, God is left giving me a side hug- in other words, I am keeping him at a distance.

Things won’t necessarily be hard after saying yes. Things might not be as bad as I imagine. Maybe they’ll be worse than I ever dreamed. I don’t know. I know that history shows that saying yes to God usually means harder times on earth that before we say yes. But I also believe that God will be more real, more present, more known to me than ever before. I believe that when I say yes the door will fly open to allow God to light up all of me. And this is why God said to Mary and Joseph “do not be afraid”, this is why God says to me and you “do not be afraid”. Scary, terrifying things will certainly come, but an intimacy with God that transcends all earthly things will fill my life and yours.

Letting Go

We have been conditioned to do whatever we can to hold on to what we already have while adding to it. This is most obvious in our consumption: I have more than I need to live comfortably, but I can add to that and make things even “better”. We are only willing to let go of something if we have improved upon it (replacing out old beater car with a nice new one), or if it becomes useless (a broken TV serves no purpose anymore so it goes to the garbage). It’s the same with relationships. We don’t want to let go of a friendship or relationship unless we have no more use for it. (Which sounds pretty harsh, but I think it’s true).

This is what I’m struggling with right now. I have a lot of good relationships- people at church, friends, and family. I don’t want to do something to negatively affect these relationships. I don’t want to lose them. But the truth is, sometimes in order to move forward we have to be willing to let go. In order for me to move forward as a gay Christian I have to be willing to let go of these relationships. I might lose some, some might change, and some may remain the same, but until I am willing to let them go, I cannot move forward.

But it is so ingrained in me that these things should be held to as much as possible that the thought of probably losing my church home, of having to accept a new type of relationship with my friends, of facing rejection by my family seems like too great a cost to pay to be honest about who I am. But God can’t continue the work he is doing in me until I am willing to let go of the things I cling to.

God won’t force his way in, so I have to let go to make room for him to work. And that means being honest and facing the consequences, whatever the cost.

Really?

I can’t get the video to work, so click here to watch a troubling interview with Rachel Maddow and an ex-gay leader.

After I’d love to hear your thoughts.

I wonder if the church knew…

I was reading something recently that was humorous but also got me thinking. The discussion was about gay Christians (specifically lesbians) and the comment was made that lesbian’s are just “normal” boring people. This got me thinking about what I have heard taught about gay people in the church.

There are stereotypes of gay people being partiers, drug users, sexually promiscuous, etc. These stereotypes are what the church tends to use as the “typical” gay person: a person who spends nights at clubs partying and dancing until the middle of the night when they go home with someone and have sex. If they aren’t doing this they are probably galavanting around town being “flamboyent” (guys) or “feminist nazis” (ladies). Sure they might settle down with one other person, but their lifestyle doesn’t really change that much. These people clearly are not fit to be parents so we need to do everything we can to prevent them from starting families. You get the idea.

I don’t know that this is even intentional. I think it may come more from ignorance than anything. I know in the media it’s common to see these portrayals of homosexuals, and I do think there is definitely a segment of the population that is very much that way. But there is also a segment of the heterosexual population that does all these things as well.

Why do I bring this up? Because I am starting to wonder if the big anti-gay people aren’t intentionally purporting this picture of the “typical” gay person in order to garner greater support for their position. I think if people generally realized how boring the majority of gay people are they would be much less judgmental. I think if people realized that the majority of gay people are EXACTLY LIKE THEM except they are attracted to the same sex they would be much more open to discussion about what is right and fair and would not be so against gay rights.

How many gay people do you know? How many of them fit the stereotype of gay people? How many are more like a “typical” heterosexual couple? Do you think this would change people’s ideas of homosexuality?

Good fruit comes from good trees

“Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.” Matthew 7:17-20

Am I right? Can I really be a Christian and embrace the fact that I am gay? There is so much out there on both sides, and to make matters even more confusing multiple differing views on both sides as well. It’s confusing and overwhelming and I feel like I am stumbling along and wonder often if I am right or not.  I cannot say with certainty one way or the other at this point, but what I do know is that since I have accepted my homosexuality I have had a closer, better, stronger, more real relationship with God than ever before. If Satan is deceiving me, this should not be true. In Matthew Jesus tells us that bad trees cannot bear good fruit, and good trees cannot bear bad fruit.

A stronger more alive and growing relationship with God sure seems to me like good fruit. Which is the only reason I sit here today feeling like I am right. Because if I was wrong the door would not have opened to a stronger relationship with God, if I am wrong then I would be further from God than ever before. Good trees bear good fruit. Good fruit is being born. How can anyone argue with that?

My Wish

Portia on The View

Portia de Rossi was on The View last week and I was very impresssed with how she spoke about Proposition 8 and gay marriage. Take a look here- she articulates things very well I think.

Turning the Titanic, or something like that

For the past two months I have spent virtually all my free time studying what different theologians and respected leaders have to say about homosexuality. I have been studying the Bible, both the passages generally used in arguments against homosexuality and also trying to see the big picture to make sure I’m not distorting anything. And over time my view is changing.

I’m starting to see how it is possible to be gay and Christian but not embrace a homosexual relationship. I’m starting to find that God is showing me that more than that it is okay to have a relationship. If you have been reading any of this at all or have just started and read some older posts you will find this is totally different from where I started. Two months ago I truly felt that if it was okay to be gay then it would also have to be okay to have a homosexual sexual relationship. Now I don’t know. Why is nothing simple?

I have one big problem with this, and I am now trying to figure out if it is something that I have learned over the years that isn’t necessarily Bible based or if it is biblical. And it is that I have been taught that God will not give you a desire for something you cannot have. I have a desire for intimacy with another woman- and not just emotional or social or whatever, but physical. I also have a desire for a family- I want to have kids, I want to have a partner, and these things are deep seeded desires. I know that these are not wrong desires, and to know that these go as deep as my desire for a female partner says to me they aren’t going to just go away (after 10 years my desire for women has increased, not decreased). So, if I am called to a life of celibacy, why has God placed these other desires so strongly in me? I know things aren’t meant to be easy, and that the road we follow when following Christ is never as straight and obvious as we would like. But how can I reconcile good desires with a lifetime of being alone? And is this really what God is asking me to do? If it is I wonder if God really doesn’t give us more than we can handle, because it seems like too much.

Doubting

I have a confession to make. I sometime’s question my sexuality. Like right now, at this very moment. I’m sitting here wrestling with whether or not I truly am gay. And I honestly doubt.

It took me 1o years to accept that I am gay. And now that I have finally said “okay, I know this is me, I’m going to accept me for me and figure out how that fits into following Christ” I doubt it.

It’s incredibly frustrating to be assailed by doubts after taking so long to accept what I have known for a decade. But I also think it’s perfectly normal and good. I am not in a relationship, have never been, so I don’t have a solid yes or no really at all. All I can say is that for over a decade I have had no interest in a romantic relationship with a guy and I have had constant interest in women.

Looking at the history I would say there is definitely reason to have doubts and questions- having never had a confirmation via a relationship with a woman I only know that I don’t like guys, based on experience that is. But I also realize that while I have accepted that I am gay and am working to fully embrace this I also have more than 2 decades of teaching that says it is not right to be gay. And this isn’t going to just go away because I stop running from my sexual identity.

It would be so much simpler to not be gay. I think that’s another part of it. If I am not really gay then I don’t have to come out to my friends and family. If I’m not gay I don’t have to figure out if I can have a sexual relationship with another person or if I need to remain celibate forever. If I’m not gay I don’t have to figure out where God is calling me instead of where I am right now. If I’m not gay I don’t have to be alone. I wish I could just flip the switch and be heterosexual.

Because I am terrified and alone. I don’t know who to talk to, and I don’t know where to go- I know there are people and places, but my job is on the line and I need to figure things out before giving it up. If I believed my sexuality affected my ability to lead these kids I would step down tomorrow. However, I know that I am in a better place spiritually today than I have ever been before in my life.

So right now I’m wondering if I’m actually gay. But even as I truly question this, I am realizing that my question comes more out of a longing to be “normal” and not any real doubt about my sexual orientation. Have you had to deal with this? How have you processed it?