Heterodoxal Beliefs

Saying Farewell

heterodoxalxn — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 03:18:58 +0000

I had pretty much completely forgotten about this blog until I was reminded of it last week.

I quit my job. I left my church. I came out to friends and family and faced some rejection. I QUIT MY JOB, without having another job lined up first. And for what?

Early last fall I wrote a letter. The letter was the first step in me reconciling my sexuality with my faith. It was the first time I was truly and completely honest with myself, with God, and with the church (although the church didn’t know it until many, many, many months later). It was freeing and refreshing and I was tempted to just come out to the world all at once on that day.

And then I hit the reality- the church doctrine I had committed to said that I could not be gay and a Christian and have a relationship, and a few of you joined me on the journey to figure it all out and then when I got it mostly figured out I just quit writing. I don’t know who comes and reads this blog, not many people, but apparently there are still people stumbling around somehow landing here.

I probably won’t be writing anymore here- I started this blog specifically to process my sexuality and in light of my faith, and now that I have I don’t know what more I would write. But I didn’t want to leave things hanging.

As previously mentioned, I have come out to my friends and family, I have left my job because I am gay and the church would not allow me to accept this and continue to work there. I have taken a leap of faith and God is providing, although certainly not in the ways I wold have chosen. I am a Christ-follower and I am gay and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. When I meet someone who I want to date I will date, when I find a woman I want to marry who wants to marry me I’ll get married. I have been incredibly blessed to meet new friends, I have been blessed to have old friends who have chosen to stand by me even though they don’t agree with my conclusions, and I am excited to see what God has in store for me.

Since I don’t know how anyone finds this blog, I don’t know what you are looking for. If you were looking for answers about being gay and Christian check out www.gaychristian.net It’s a wonderful resource with videos, reading materials, and a message board that helped me a lot on my journey and through which I have made some new “real life” friends.

If you are just looking to waste time reading horrible writing and frequently incomprehensible thoughts you can check out my regular blog at www.ponderingwanderer.wordpress.com although even that has been severely lacking in updates lately.

Dear Church

heterodoxalxn — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 18:24:38 +0000

I am a 26 year old Christian woman. I was baptized two months after I was born and have been regularly attending church since. In high school I made Profession of Faith and officially became a member of the church. I spent two summers working at a Christian camp and attending a Christian college. I am now working in the church. But I have a problem with you, church. I cannot bring my biggest question, my greatest insecurity, to you. I cannot do this for many reasons. First, I would be unfairly judged. Second, I would lose my job. Yes, it’s true. I’m keeping a secret from you church that would cost me my job. You see church, I am gay.

You might not be willing to continue to read this letter after seeing that. I am a gay woman leading in your church. But to be honest, being gay is not my problem. My problem is that I cannot seek help or guidance or wisdom from you as I deal with this. Officially you say it’s okay that I am gay. I mean, I can never act gay, I can never have a relationship or a family. But it’s okay that I’m gay. Officially. But we both know this is not really the way you see it.

Unofficially to be gay is at the top of the list of things that prove you are not a Christian. Because you cannot be a Christian and be gay. It just doesn’t work. That’s why you’re thinking right now isn’t it? Well let me tell you church, you are wrong. I am a Christian and I am gay. I don’t want to be gay. I didn’t choose to be gay. And for years I have ignored and denied that I am gay. But I can no longer lie to myself. And yet, I’m not really gay by gay standards either. I’ve never kissed another woman, I’ve definitely never had sex with one. I’ve never had a date with a woman even. But I am sure that I am gay.

And so here I sit desperate to talk to someone about this. Desperate to be able to talk about this reality without being judged. Desperate to talk about this from a biblical perspective and try to work through what is and what is not biblical. Because let’s face it – churches are changing their opinion every day. Some believe it’s perfectly okay to be gay and will even ordain gay people. Others believe that even having gay urges and desires means you are not a Christian. So which is correct?

More than anything in the world I want to have a relationship with the Lord. A relationship that makes everything else secondary. I want to hear God speak to me. I want to be honest with God about who I am and what I’m feeling. I want to know what God desires for me. I want to know that who I am is who God wants me to be. And I’ve thought I could work this out on my own. But I cannot. I need the community of believers to come along side me as I try to understand what this means. As I wrestle with questions that I cannot answer on my own.

Why am I gay? Is God okay with me being gay? Can I stop being gay? Is this something I am unconciously choosing to be? Am I destined to be single forever because I am gay? Is it okay to have a gay relationship? What does the Bible really say about being gay? Is being gay a sin or not?

I can’t answer these on my own. But church you have done such a good job of making sure no sinfilled gay person feels comfortable admitting their sexuality if they bother to stick around that I cannot bring these to you either.

So I question and wrestle with these things alone. And I realize with every day that passes that I come closer to leaving you behind church. Because you are not helping me. Every day I realize that I will go where I can find answers. Every day I take a step further from your door and the comfort of your community. Because I know that unless you change you will hurt me. When I need you the most you will turn your back. When I finally cannot go on alone anymore you will shun me. I will no longer be welcome. And this terrifies me. I want to be a part of you church. But I cannot be a part of you if you will not accept me.

I am not a seeker. I am not a lost soul. I am not someone who needs to be saved. I am a Christian. I love God, I have given my life to him. I seek every day to follow in the steps of Jesus. I do my devotions. I pray. I serve. I tithe. I am just like you church. And I am gay. I do not believe these to be mutually exclusive, but I do not think you agree. So church I am asking you for just one thing. Acceptance.

Walk with me as I work through what this means. Don’t try to change me, but don’t let me stay where I am. Don’t alienate me because I am gay. Walk this path with me. Allow me to be part of the community of believers without first expecting me to beome something I am not.

Because church, if you cannot do this, I will leave. It will break my heart and it will tear me apart. But I cannot live in false community. I cannot pretend to be something I am not. God demands honesty and I am tired of pretending. I will not leave God. I will not leave my faith behind. But church, if you cannot help me and support me then I will go somewhere that can. I will find a community that will help me if you will not. But church, it’s your job to be that community. So I am asking you first. Are you willing to become uncomfortable with me? Are you willing to journey alongside me? Or do I need to find someplace else? I love you church, please don’t make me leave.

Random Thoughts

heterodoxalxn — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 17:12:56 +0000

- Sunday night I was meeting with my small group and they were “lovingly” harrassing me about finding a boyfriend, and I said to them, “I don’t like boys”, totally not even realizing in the moment what it was I was saying. They looked at me weird and so I quick covered with “Don’t worry, I don’t like girls either”, which was a total lie. As soon as I said it I felt guilty because it is the first time I have ever lied about that. It just felt wrong even though I know I couldn’t do anything else at the time.

-I’m realizing more and more how much of my life is being held back from the church. When I first came to the realization that I am gay I didn’t think that it would be an issue to keep this from the church until I was able to present it well to them. But I’ve noticed that I can’t honestly talk about really any of my spiritual challenges right now because the undertone or overtone of everything I’m dealing with is directly linked to my sexuality. Sharing my spiritual journey with others is an important part of my job for me. I’m not sure what I’m going to do about this.

-My pastor told me last week that the worship team has decided to do a sermon on sexuality on Valentine’s day. I don’t know how I feel about this (sexuality being sexual relations not homo vs. hetero). I think there is great value in talking about this, but is a guy standing in front of a room full of people with varying degrees of experience and relevant application really the best way to address this? And, what is there to talk about really? I mean, with a certain set I get it, but considering I am one of maybe 10 post-college people who is not married how am I going to get anything out of a sermon aimed at married people, and if it’s not aimed at married people what value is there in it for anyone really?

What Matters More

heterodoxalxn — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 02:05:35 +0000

When this song was first released there was a bit of controversy around it. I just think it’s a message we all need to hear right now.

Here are the lyrics:

You say you always treat people like you like to be
I guess you love being hated for your sexuality
You love when people put words in your mouth
‘Bout what you believe, make you sound like a freak

‘Cause if you really believe what you say you believe
You wouldn’t be so damn reckless with the words you speak
Wouldn’t silently conceal when the liars speak
Denyin’ all the dyin’ of the remedy

Tell me, brother, what matters more to you?
Tell me, sister, what matters more to you?

If I can tell what’s in your heart by what comes out of your mouth
Then it sure looks to me like being straight is all it’s about
It looks like being hated for all the wrong things
Like chasin’ the wind while the pendulum swings

‘Cause we can talk and debate until we’re blue in the face
About the language and tradition that he’s comin’ to save
Meanwhile we sit just like we don’t give a shit
About 50,000 people who are dyin’ today

Tell me, brother, what matters more to you?
Tell me, sister, what matters more to you?

Called to Singleness

heterodoxalxn — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 15:13:10 +0000

I have been having conversations with a few people trying to “test the waters” about how they might respond if/when I tell them I am gay. One of the conversations I have been having with a few people is about lifelong singleness, ie: living a life of celibacy or whatever you might choose to call it. I’ve been surprised by some of the responses.

I’ve had three conversations on this subject and 2 of the 3 the first question I was asked was, “Don’t you want to have a family?” This question also came up during the third conversation just later on and in a slightly different context.

Of course I want a family. Look at the first chapters of Genesis. God created us to be family people- he created us to be relational and romantic people. He said it was not good for humankind to be alone and so he created a partner. A help mate. And I believe that everyone of us is born with this desire. Some people have a stronger desire for this than others, for some people this is a subdued desire while for others it seems to control their life. But I think we all have the desire.

More than any other “carnal” thing, I desire that intimacy, that romantic relationship, that partnership. It’s not about what I desire. It’s about what I am called to do. I think I’m starting to get what Paul was getting at when he said if you can be single you should be. I honestly can’t compare my desire for a romantic relationship with what other people feel, but I feel it’s a pretty strong desire in me, but I also believe that God is calling me to be single. And that’s really hard for me to accept, that’s really hard for me to be willing to accept, I feel like in saying okay I’m letting go of every hope and dream for the future I have ever had. And that seems impossible. But if I am willing to let it go God will give me the strength needed to follow his will for me.

Paul wasn’t saying that those who don’t have a desire to get married should refrain, he was saying that those who could let go, those who can learn to trust God to provide for the relational needs should. God’s ultimate gift to human kind isn’t marriage and family. God’s ultimate gift to human kind is himself.

Is this singleness just for a time? Is giving up my lifelong dreams for the future something that may be fulfilled at some point in the future? Is this just a “test” of my faith? I don’t believe it is. The feeling I have deep down is that God is saying to me let it go, not for now, not until I am more “ready”, but forever.

And it’s not because I don’t want a relationship. God knows that my heart longs for that more than anything else. I don’t know why he is asking this of me, I don’t know how he will provide for me. But I need to trust him.

Being Broken

heterodoxalxn — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 16:05:52 +0000

There are a lot of promises in the Bible: promises that God loves us, promises that God will not abandon us, promises that God will take care of our needs, promises that God will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can handle, promises that in the end Satan does not win. One of the things we have seemingly come to believe as Christians is that God will not allow us to endure more adversity, more hardship, than we can bear. This is not really true.

We believe that God won’t allow us to be pushed beyond what we can bear, or challenged beyond our ability, or stressed more than we can handle. But the truth is, God pushes us beyond what we can do, beyond what we can endure, beyond our ability all the time. Not because he is a mean God, not because he wants us to hurt, but because it’s only when I can no longer bear the load that the strength of Christ kicks in. It’s only when I am pushed beyond what I can handle myself, pushed to the point of breaking that I can let go and give it all to God. As long as I can handle it on my own I won’t let God bear my burden.

I hate having to ask for help. I hate admitting that I am weak and that I cannot do it on my own. But I’m there. In order to move forward I have to be willing to be pushed beyond what I can handle. Beyond what I can bear on my own. For so long I’ve convinced myself that I should be able to do it on my own that God is having to break me and force me to give it all to him. It hurts, it’s hard, and I’m fighting it with all I have. And even as I write that I am wishing that I could just give it all to him right now. But I don’t know how, so he’s pushing me to the point of no return.

He’s pushing me so that he can cradle me in his arms and protect me. He’s breaking me so that I can be re-made. But man it’s hard to endure, but the future will be impossible to face without learning to lean on him.

He will never abandon you

heterodoxalxn — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 16:21:33 +0000

I spoke recently with a friend of mine whose church has rejected him. I don’t know him that well, we went to college together and had mutual friends so became friends. I’ve been talking to him more recently since he came out a couple years ago and I have yet to come out. I asked him about his experience with his church when he told them.

They were saddened, but they did not reject him. They offered to get him help to change. They stood by him while he tried to change. But when he accepted who he is, when he accepted that he is a gay man and that he cannot/ is not willing to change they threw him under the bus. Not only did they turn their backs on him, they told him he could not be a Christian if he was gay. That’s incredibly harsh, and incredibly heartbreaking.

And discouraging. I don’t know what your experience has been with the church or with Christians in general, but if you have had a bad experience, if you have been shunned and rejected and judged, I am sorry. I am as guilty as anyone of this. Perhaps not when it comes to homosexuals, but when it comes to people who are different and who scare me it is easier to judge than to love. It is easier to reject than learn to love. But we cannot take the easy way. I am learning that more and more on my journey. Homosexuals are just one group that is often rejected by the church. I need to work on my own life and influencing the people I am around to be more accepting of everyone, of not demanding people change to be included. I need to learn to love instead of judge and reject.

If you have been rejected by a church, by Christians, by anyone claiming to follow Jesus Christ I am sorry. Because the truth is that despite what we show you as the church, Jesus will never abandon or reject you. Jesus loves you just the way you are. We’re just really far behind in following Jesus as we should.

Christmas Thoughts

heterodoxalxn — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 14:53:31 +0000

I’m finding myself thinking a lot about Mary this Christmas season. I am certain it’s because of the place I am in right now, spiritually and emotionally. But as I think about Mary God is showing me so many things I never have considered before.

I have often seen Mary as almost a side player in the whole story- she was the one who gave birth, but she had the easy part. Joseph had the hard part trusting and believing that what the angel and what Mary told him were true. But Mary knew the truth- she knew that God had impregnated her, so she had that to make things easier for her. But first she had to be willing to trust and believe God and say yes to him using her.

Now I have no idea what went through her mind when the angel came to her with the message from God. Perhaps she was ready for a change and excited about the opportunity to do something so great. Perhaps she was merely a willing vessel. But perhaps, and this is the one I lean toward because this is the way I am, perhaps she was absolutely terrified to do what God was asking of her. Mary seems to have had a pretty good life before God called her to this new purpose: she had a loving family, she was betrothed to a good, God-fearing man, she would have had friends and neighbors whom she loved. I think that when Mary said yes to God she was also saying no to all these things. When Mary chose to say yes to God she made the decision to let go of all the other things in her life.

The part I have been thinking the most about though is what came after she said yes to God. Because things certainly don’t seem to have gotten much better for her. She was near her due date when she and Joseph had to travel to Bethlehem for a census- which would most certainly mean Caesar demanding more money from them. Then they couldn’t find any place to sleep except and old cave with no bed to lay on. And that is where she gave birth- alone, her family except Joseph far away. No way to communicate with them. And she gave birth to the son of God and had only rags and an old animal trough to place him in. That must have been heartbreaking for her. But it only gets worse. Herod demands all babies be killed and so here is Mary with her husband and baby forced to flee to Egypt instead of returning home. Jump ahead about 30 years and Mary watches as her son becomes an outcast because of the work he is doing, Mary tries to help Jesus and he scolds her for it. And then a couple years later she watches as her son is nailed to a cross and dies.

If I had been Mary and had known what was going to happen after saying yes, I’m not sure I would have done it. I mean, it’s like the easy part was letting go, the hard part came after. We have fooled ourselves into believing that when we say “yes” to God things will go well. We have embraced this idea that when we are following God and doing what he asks of us things will be mostly easy. In fact, not only Mary but the majority of people we read about who say “yes” to God have a harder more difficult life after that than they had before.

But the thing that I am reminded of as well is the message that God gives over and over and over again: “do not be afraid”. It almost seems unfair that God says to these people, and to me, “do not be afraid” when so much suffering and hardship is to follow. But I think the reason we are told not to be afraid is that through all the hard times, through all the difficulty that may come from our saying “yes” to God we can trust that he is with us, that when we say yes he aligns himself so close to us we never have a second alone. I believe that when I finally stop fighting God and say “yes” he is going to envelope me in a huge bear hug and never let me go. But as long as we resist, as long as I say no, God is left giving me a side hug- in other words, I am keeping him at a distance.

Things won’t necessarily be hard after saying yes. Things might not be as bad as I imagine. Maybe they’ll be worse than I ever dreamed. I don’t know. I know that history shows that saying yes to God usually means harder times on earth that before we say yes. But I also believe that God will be more real, more present, more known to me than ever before. I believe that when I say yes the door will fly open to allow God to light up all of me. And this is why God said to Mary and Joseph “do not be afraid”, this is why God says to me and you “do not be afraid”. Scary, terrifying things will certainly come, but an intimacy with God that transcends all earthly things will fill my life and yours.

Letting Go

heterodoxalxn — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 16:57:29 +0000

We have been conditioned to do whatever we can to hold on to what we already have while adding to it. This is most obvious in our consumption: I have more than I need to live comfortably, but I can add to that and make things even “better”. We are only willing to let go of something if we have improved upon it (replacing out old beater car with a nice new one), or if it becomes useless (a broken TV serves no purpose anymore so it goes to the garbage). It’s the same with relationships. We don’t want to let go of a friendship or relationship unless we have no more use for it. (Which sounds pretty harsh, but I think it’s true).

This is what I’m struggling with right now. I have a lot of good relationships- people at church, friends, and family. I don’t want to do something to negatively affect these relationships. I don’t want to lose them. But the truth is, sometimes in order to move forward we have to be willing to let go. In order for me to move forward as a gay Christian I have to be willing to let go of these relationships. I might lose some, some might change, and some may remain the same, but until I am willing to let them go, I cannot move forward.

But it is so ingrained in me that these things should be held to as much as possible that the thought of probably losing my church home, of having to accept a new type of relationship with my friends, of facing rejection by my family seems like too great a cost to pay to be honest about who I am. But God can’t continue the work he is doing in me until I am willing to let go of the things I cling to.

God won’t force his way in, so I have to let go to make room for him to work. And that means being honest and facing the consequences, whatever the cost.

Really?

heterodoxalxn — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 02:34:20 +0000

I can’t get the video to work, so click here to watch a troubling interview with Rachel Maddow and an ex-gay leader.

After I’d love to hear your thoughts.